Isabelle's Ramblings

wow...

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 04:39:48 GMT

I really havent updated in forever...ah well, here's a brief little one to tide yall over...:P

For those of you who are un aware...I have relocated, moved all the way from New Orleans to Finland at first but now have settled in England and have been here since about months.

I am also now a proudly married woman...his name is Liam, and everyday I think I love him a little more...

Most shocking of all (at least I think) Liam and I have a two month old little boy named Julian Elijah...he's my world.

Thats all for now seeing as I'm so tired I cant see straight

Pics of Julian are under the cut if you;d like to see...they're old (from when we first brought him home) but they're all I have time to upload right now

Cheers,

Isabelle

Long Time no See :)

Thu, 17 Jun 2004 04:07:39 GMT

I feel kind of bad for the lack of activity and the lack of actual online presence but it's been a rather hectic ten days so there was nothing I could really do to change it.

...Got lots to say but not much time to write it down cause I have to pack for my NZ trip!!!!!

This barely merits a post but I just felt bad about vanishing like that.

I leave tomorrow at 10:30 a.m. and return the 1st of July so I won't be around much....my Bro has computer access but I dont wanna run up his internet bill or be anti social so I'll probably only come on once a week.

Till then Daaaaaahlings.

Cheers,

Is

Tequila is a vengeful little bitch....

Sun, 06 Jun 2004 17:00:59 GMT

Totally shitty rest of the week...

...I've had to postpone my trip to New Zealand by a week or howlong it takes for me to get down to 120lbs

...brother's slightly choked but he said he understands......Only tell people what you need to...never more

Hung out at Amy's last night....discussed the Jeordie situation, no closer to any sort of conclusion on that *big sighs*

...stayed up till two, had about a half a bottle of tequila between the two of us...being the light weight that I am, I'm surprised I didnt need to be driven off to the hospital foaming at the mouth and blazingly incoheirant...I'm surprised I'm not running for the bathroom every five minutes....

....I have the worlds worst head ache today though....but I deserve it :P

Need it even be said that I do not want to go to work today?

Dreaded 5 hr shift.....1pm - 6pm.....ahhhh well, at least its the closing shift which means it won't be that busy.

...I better jump in the shower and down some pain killers....otherwise I'll never make it.

Cheers,

Is

huh...well there's an interesting development if I do say so myself...

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 20:59:27 GMT

...I slept with Jeordie yesterday afternoon...then again around midnight...

I'm not even really all that sure how or why it happened at this point...it just did and now I have all these wierd mixed emotions...

...it's kind of freaking me out actually...unexpected things usually do....

...but this is just way off the charts in the unexpected category.

For what it was worth, it was nice...really nice actually.

Again...I'm completely floored by how aboslutely out of the blue it was so...pretty much this is what the entry is going to consist of....

...me reaffirming my disbelief that I just fucked someone I've known pretty much all of my life and never known that he wanted to fuck me...

...well I guess I still dont know if he technically did cause people fuck people for all sorts of reasons...

...Maybe he was just pent up...who knows?

...I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do next now though....this morning was kind of awkward and wierd....

...I dont know what to do next.

Cheers,

(a very perplexed and shocked) Is

Headaches blow monkey balls!!

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 22:30:43 GMT

Oy, my head feels like it is going to explode....I think its side effects from one of my new meds :S....not pleasant in the least. I've been chugging back water all day long to try and make it go away but it's not giving in...it just throbs and throbs and throbs and throbs...can't stand it.

...But I digress...

...I love the way your skin feels so tight when you first wake up (or at least it doe for me) the way it's soooooo perfectly taught instead of being soft and supple under the influence of food...I know this was a random little thought here but I just had to get it out...I havent been able to eat anything today due to my massive head ache (yay) so I've kept that tight skin feeling and it kicks ass.

...down 2.5 lbs!!!! so happy about that....some good things come out of side effects :) really they do

Common side effects from carbamazepine:
* mild nausea....check
* vomitting....nope, not yet anyways
* decreased appetite....check
* constipation or diarrhea.... nope (thank god)
* dry mouth....yes'm
* impotence....uhhhhh I dont think that one really applys to me
* joint or muscle pain...nope

The clozapine I wont even bother listing the side effects for cause one of them was weight gain from increased appitite....

yeah...I'm definately not taking that now....plus, I dont really think I need an anti psychotic...

...Dr. K seems to think so but he also thinks me stating that all my friends were just back stabbing pieces of shit out to get me was a paranoid delisuon of mine....

....it wasn't....I may have over reacted by saying ALL of my friends are....but there are definately some that are, that I can damn well guarantee.

Cheers,

Is

The muchly controversial topic of Animal Rights :)

Sun, 30 May 2004 16:00:47 GMT

Okay, don't get me wrong people....

...I am as much against people buying fur coats, cruelty in slaughter houses, circuses with animals as main attractions, animal abuse, rodeos, and not having your pets spayed or neutered as the next guy is....but I'm tired of being bombarded by all these freaking PETA followers condeming people because they eat meat.

You know what??!! Why should I give up my personal choice to enjoy the flesh of animals just because you guys stock pile 5 minutes of the most horrifying footage from the worst slaughter houses in the country?? Does anyone realize that a shit load of what they are spreading around on their damned propaganda feeding website is most certainly not the norm??

Yes, slaughter houses are not a pleasant place....but more than 90% of them are not even near to what is being depicted on PETA's website.

I grew up on a ranch....my dad raised 100+ head of cattle per year....he raised pigs and chickens and sheep and horses as well (though the horses obviously weren't for eating)...both my brother and I have been in our share of slaughter houses....I dont deny the fact that they're not the friendliest of places....there's no escaping that. I'm tired though of how PETA continues to make it seem like these cows live in the slaughter houses from the day they are born until they die...

....THAT IS NOT SO!!!

Cows need space to move around....they're too big to be kept in pens like that...knowledgeable farmers know this and their cows have a wonderful life (though short yes) in fields and pastures....after they reach maturity they are shipped to slaughter and for the most part, they are there for maybe 3 days at max before they meet their maker.

...don't give me that crap about free range farming either...99% of all cattle ranchers do not have their animals holed up in sterile metallic barns.

Pigs are a little different and I feel sorry for them....my dads pigs were free range and personally, free range meat tastes better so I think everyone should eat it if for nothing else than superior taste and health reasons *lol*

I'm just sick of this flat out propaganda PETA spreads. Getting big name celebs to force their issues down our throats....of course now they're getting all these Good Charlottte type bands to speak out *rolls eyes* god knows how many screaming slutting little teeny boppers they'll brain wash (yet another reason to despise that band)...sick stuff I tell you...

This disgusts me...absolutely no reason for making something like this no matter how passionate you are about a cause...http://www.furisdead.com/momfur.html

In a free country...I think its sad that people should have to be judged by others for what they eat.

Again, I am most definately against cruelty to animals...but I do occasionally like to eat a little meat...does that make me a bad person?

Someone should start a cruelty to veggies and fruits website....show extreme footage of tomatoes being burned by sprayed on pesticides...showing over ripe apples falling from a tree and being stepped on...showing worms crawling their way in and out of rotted holes in fruit still on the tree *lol* I'd pay to see something like that.

Well, I've spoken my piece.

Cheers,

Is

Thanks Jeordie for not letting me sleep longer than two minutes last night lol

Sat, 29 May 2004 03:46:59 GMT

*big yawns*

I am literally so tired, I feel like my head is going to cave in....I don't know why though....I can usually handle drunken all nighters with Jeordie with my hands tied behind my back but I guess with the whole ordeal of the past week...it was just a lil bit too much.

It was interesting last night, Jeordie always seems to know what I need from him....and I like that.

...He called me Isabella Cindarella half the night which almost made me piss myself laughing as I got more and more intoxicated...its an inside joke between him, and me and a couple other people cause when I was in high school I was convinced I was going to grow up and marry some swank euro prince even though I was just a little home town girl from Lafayette :P so Jeordie decided that Is was simply not good enough of a name for a princess....so voila...he came up with Isabella Cindarella...

....he's an oddball...don't mind him.

Anyways...he was really great last night...we just sat up and talked about anything and everything under the sun from the time frame of when we were in grade eight up until present day....

...I havent had a night like that in a long time and he's a dear man for being there for me.

Though I know he doesnt have any inclination to come to lj and read my journal....

...Jeordie, I love you *kisses dahhhhhhhling*

I'm gonna go take an ambien and crash

Is

Back from the psych ward...yipee for mee!!! rolls eyes

Thu, 27 May 2004 15:41:24 GMT

So, I stupidly called Dany after downing all my depakote and ambien the other night...

...I dont know why I didnt just lie on the floor and wait to choke on my own puke.

My exact words to him..."You did this to me. You made me hurt...and now I am fixing myself."

So obviously he came rushing over and found me passed out on the kitchen floorn and scooped me up and took me to the ER

I didnt lock the door either...oops

...Nothing like having your stomach pumped in the wee hours of the morning with a hundred little annoying nurses and fucking psych doctors bustling around you asking you a million questions and checking your vitals every goddamned five minutes....I fucking hate that...

...Which brings me to why did I even call Dany? I guess subconciously it was the last cry for help...next time, I wont call out for anyone to save me....next time I won't mess it up.

So flash forward to after they bandaged and treated my supposedly infected slashes on my arms and shoulder blades..

I get carted up to the lovely little psych ward where this little bitch of a fucking med student sits and stares down her pretentious little glasses at me and asks me a bunch more questions.

What it was any of her business I have no idea...I don't particularly like answering questions for Dr. K but at least he knows more about me personally than this bitch...at least he knows my situation...

...I got put on another med... well techically 3 cause I had my lithium orotate switched for just plain lithium, and my depakote swithched for Carbamazepine because "obviously they weren't doing the trick" for me...add to that this fucking antipshycotic med called clozapine (which I dont even think I need but fuck...the docs feel free to jam it down my throat) that I have no intention of taking.

Dr. K came by yesterday and said he would give the o.k. for me to be discharged as long as I made a commitment to taking my meds and actually showing up for councilling...

...I agreed, but I doubt I'll follow through...

...He said he had talked to my dad (who hasnt yet talked to me about anything yet...nice huh?) and said that they agreed upon the fact that this was my last shot at things...one more episode and they'd have to seriously concider admitting me indefinately.

...thats a damn joke...the next time I'll just be sure to get it right!!

Ahh well, I'm glad to be home for now...I have about a week off of work cause Dany explained what happened...I'm not looking forward to going back and seeing them all.

Cheers

Is

X-Posted like mad

Tue, 25 May 2004 02:06:40 GMT

What is it about me? Do I have a sign on my back that tells people to emotionally batter me about and leave me in my time of need? Am I that fucking horrible of a person that everyone feels the need to god damned abandon me? Do I have no redeemable qualities?

Fine...if thats the case then I'll empty every last pill in every last bottle I own into my stomach and wait around for the world to get dark around me...it seems that everyone would be better off if I just didnt exist...

...Count this as attempt #1,000,001

....Maybe this times it'll take.

I'm out...sorry anyone who gives a fuck, but this is too hard.

Isabelle Grace Lockheart

Deleted yesterday's entry...

Sun, 23 May 2004 02:33:14 GMT

...I kind of felt funny having a conversation that Dany and I had posted on here...I dont know why. It shouldnt bother me, but it did.

I'll sum it up though, I don't have a problem talking about it or telling people what happened, I jsut feel funny having his words up there without him knowing ya know?...

...Maybe it's just me or something.

Cut cause it's a bit long

So I posted in here a few days ago about how Dany said that it was basically the bulimic thing that bothered him the most; he doesnt like the anorexia either, but of the two the bulimia eats at him the most. He said he could handle me not being 100% recovered (I never will be, nor do I want to be) if I would stop the binging and purging....

... HE SAID HE COULD LIVE WITH THE FASTING AND RESTRICTION IF HE HAD TO!!!

So I was like, yeah okay whatver, I can try and do that and even if I slip up, I'm make sure it's at my house when he's not around, so he'll never know. Anyways...

...one day goes by...everything's still fine.

...two days goes by....still peachy,

I had the day off the next day so I spent the night at Dany's because...well, we both were hurting for some *ahem* physical contact from each other.

I ate like a damned hog when I was at his house, it was a bloody miracle that I could keep it down that night...but I made a promise and as long as I was in his company, I was going to try and keep it...

...the next day rolls along...ate like a fat cow again at breakfast...

...this time, I couldnt keep it in...I felt so shitty about all that I had eaten the night before...there was nothing I could do about that but I could do something about what I had just eaten....

...puked my guts up...there was no way around it.

Dany got all pissed off...he starts screaming about how he asked me to do one simple thing and I just act like its the most difficult thing in the world....

To me, it is.

Long story short, he tells me to stay out of his life until I can manage to keep myself healthy. I felt like nothing more than a whore...all the time that he was acting like he was going to give this a try...he was just waiting for me to screw up so he could fuck me one last time and than toss me aside.

I dont know where we stand now.

Amanda wants to do something with me and Emaly tomorrow...

...I'm tired of Emaly's hypersensitive sense of smell.

Cheers,

Is

P.S. Does anyone have any idea why when I attempt to do a cut...only the first word of the text I want the cut to say shows up?

SI survey

Thu, 20 May 2004 22:40:51 GMT

0. Do you cut? yes

1. Who do you hide SI from? I don't neccessrily hide it at all...I dont go out of my way to conceal anything
2. Who knows about it? some of my friends, a couple co workers
3. How long has it been since you last cut? aside from half an hour ago...about two weeks
4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? yeah
5. Where do you usually cut? arms, ankles, hips, calves
6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? Dany
7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? I cut way too deep and Dany had to rush me to the E.R. and he explained to the doctors what happened and I had to have like a whole evaluation and I had to spend two nights under observation casue they thought this was a serious attempt to kill myself even though I said it wasnt...repeatedly
8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? not really
9. Do you like scars, yes or no? yeah
10. Do you name your razor? no...
11. What other methods of SI do you use? I don't...when I was in highschool I used to burn my feet with cig buts and such but I stopped that cause I had some probem with infection
12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? not really
13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? like I said...I dont usually go out of my way to hide them...usualy if I do try though I use gauze and stuff
14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? no
15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? yep
16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? nope
17. What's the best part about cutting to you? it is a release....flat out. All this shit builds up inside and no matter how much I talk or scream about it nothing helps...then when I finally cut it's like instant relief...everything is easier to deal with once I cut.
18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? yeah
19. Have you ever been caught cutting/burning, etc? yep
20. What instrument do you use to cut? razor blades, exacto knife, kitchen knife, nail scissors, broken glass
21. What causes you to cut? that's kind of an involved question
22. What do you feel afterwards? numb, but relieved at the same time.
23. What is your closest Close Call? see the question about the bad experiance with cutting
24. How long have you been doing it? 5 years

25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? yes
26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? yes
27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? nope...I'm supposed to go to one but I dont
28. Are your parents divorced? yes.
29. Do you label yourself a ‘cutter’? yes
30. How long have you cut for? 5 years
31. Why did you start? again...thats a rather involved question and I prefer not to give out that information as it's quite personal
32. When did you start? dont know the exact date...just when I was about 15 and a half
33. What did you use? exacto knife from my art box
34. What do you use now? already answered something like this
35. Have you ever tried to quit before? yeah
36. What’s the longest time you’ve went without cutting? 6 months
37. Have you tried alternative coping methods other then cutting? yeah
38. Why do you like to cut (if you do)? the way its makes everything easier to deal with
39. Why don’t you like cutting (if you don’t): because it hurts people I'm close to
40. Have you ever needed stitches before? yes...whats with the repetitive questions
41. Have you ever been to the hospital for cutting or issues relating to cutting? yes
42. Who all knows about your cutting? somalready answered
44. Would you advise people to stop or start cutting? I can't give anyone any advice...I'm too fucked up to be telling others what they should or shouldnt do
45. Have you ever talked to a professional about your cutting/issues relating to cutting? yes
46. Do you like the taste/look of blood? yes
47. Do you ever cover or conceal scars/cuts, if so why? sometimes...just to avoid peoples stupid questions...but generally I dont try to hide them
48. What is your opinion on cutting? Its really addictive and soon, it becomes the first thing you think about when you have any sort of emotion....its like...ohhh something happens....ohhh I wanna cut myself now.
49. Have you ever taken pictures of your cuts/scars, if so why? yeah, to show my brother there was no new cuts on my wrists or anywhere else at one time (he lives far away from me so I had to email him pics)
50. Do you think there is a connection between mental illness (depression, anxiety disorders etc.) and self-injury? yes
51. Is there a certain song that describes how/when/why you cut? not really
52. Do you like scars/scabs? yeah
53. Do you pick at scars/scabs? no

Tue, 18 May 2004 14:26:01 GMT

Yippee...got called into work and actually said I'd take the shift...how smart am I? *lol*

Ah well, deep down, I know I really need the money this month but still....now I only have two days off this week instead of three and I really got used to that break on tuesday....kind of broke up the week instead of having all my days off back to back.

I started writing a little something last night....

...It's nothing spectacular, it's just a little fanfic, and though I generally tend to dislike writing fanfics, it always seems to be that I get back into writing by writing one....go figure. Hopefully it will restore my creative mind frame that's been lacking so much as of late.

I don't really have much to say this morning....still waiting for the cofee to kick in.

I need to make a new cd to listen to while I excersize but I can't think of any good bands to put on and I really dont wanna download a bunch of shit from i tunes (yes I'm a good girl and for the most part I don't do the free downloading thing any more cause I'm paranoid I'm going to get busted and fined for it or something) without any rhyme or reason....soooooooooooooooooo.....does anyone have any good ideas for work out music?

Cheers,

Is

Tue, 18 May 2004 01:35:16 GMT

I am so bloody hot it's not even funny!!! It's not even that hot outside right now but I swear to god I'm melting away into absolute oblivion in my chair...horrid I tell you...horrid!!! I'm not a heat person...I'm cool with it being sunny and all...I just wish it didn't have to be hot.

Pretty uneventful day...what a surprise.

Went to work...it was boring...Heather said my new nick name is Crabbie cause I look like I want to kill everyone when I'm there...if only she knew how accurate that statement was *lol*....oh well, I have my interview at the funeral home next wednesday. I think it's pretty much just a receptionist job unless I choose to go to mortuary school or whatever...but either way it's better than where I work now.

Went to luch with Dany and had prawn salad and a diet pepsi. I have to get over this prawn phase cause it's not exactly the cheapest meal around and I feel bad for dropping the bill on dearest Dany but he knows I had my hours cut two weeks in a row and I'm not fairing to well witht the money thing...He's so sweet about it too...he doesnt suggest I order something else or anything....he's probably too happy that I chose to eat today to care.

On the eating front...

I'm up a pound...which sucks monkey balls but at least I expected to be up...so I'm at 129 now...

god I hate that fucking scale...everytime I step on it I want to bawl my eyes out...it's funny the way I live by that fucking thing. If I didn't have a scale I'd probably need to be locked up in an assylum cause I'd go absolutely berserk if I couldnt see how much I weighed on a daily basis. I have a three day fast planned for wednesday so I can get down to 125 by Saturday and have a good old binge at Mika's birthday soiree (*lol* I love that word...it's so swank).

Here's what I ate today...

2 cups of black coffee with two packets of splenda each: 8 cals
1/2 cup of red grapes: about 55 cals
1/2 cup of water chestnuts: about 35 cals
3 diet pepsis
prawn salad: 130 cals
2 pices of sugarless gum: 10 cals
2 plain rice cakes with 1 Tbsp fat free pinapple cream cheese: about 120 cals
small salad with 2 tbsp fat free raspberry vinagrette: around 30 cals
2 cups of veggie soup: 100 cals

So thats 488 cals...plus I'm planning on having a fat free chocolate mousse and maybe a slice of angel food cake so that will make 644 cals...yikes!

Oh well...today and tomorrow will be the last two days where I eat more than 300 cals for the next 3-4 days so I guess it's okay.

I'm trying not to purge so much...I had a long talk with Dany and he says if I'm not willing to give up the restriction and the fasting that he can live with that for now if I promise him I'll try to stop purging.

...I guess I can do that....

............ for now

Cheers,

Is

Sun, 16 May 2004 04:54:49 GMT

Preg test = negative!!!! *huge sighs of relief* life can continue as it was tomorrow...This barely constitutes a post but oh well...I felt like it :)

Cheers,

Is

Sat, 15 May 2004 18:34:59 GMT

I'm so pissed at myself for a multitude of reasons....

...I'm still too chicken shit to take that fucking pregnancy test

...I cannot stop fucking eating today....all day long so far, all I've done is eat eat eat...and until I take the test I don't know if it would be wise to purge...

...I have to make this very clear ....I am 100% pro-ana/mia....but much as I cannot understand how people could smoke/drink while they're pregnant...I dont think I could carry on with this behaviour if I knew for sure that I was pregnant...

...now I probably won't stay pregant if I am

....I'm not totally opposed to the idea of a kid but....I don't know if I would be able to get over the fact that most pregnant women gain like 50-60 pounds...

...Mentally, I would not be able to handle that...plus there's other factors that come into play....

...I really should take the test....its still sitting on my counter.... waiting to either ruin my life...or make me thankful for close calls.

Cheers,

Is

Sat, 15 May 2004 04:15:40 GMT

Hmmm...well...yeah this has been an interesting night to say the least....one sidedly anyways....

I got the test after work...

It's sitting on the kitchen counter...

A pristine and unopened blank slate....

...Only 90 seconds after opening,...who knows what my life will be like.

I'm too chicken shit to take it...but the more I think about not taking it...the more I worry about what the results will be...

...the thought process turns again and starts to doubt whether or not this body could even nurish a fetus...

I barely eat...and when I do I throw up....

I barely sleep...and when I do it's restless....

I abuse myself to the utmost extent in everyway imaginable...on a regular basis.

Could my body physically sustain the life of another?

Is it doing just that right now??

Guess I'll find out in the morning....

Cheers,

Is

Gawwww....I don't wanna go back to work today :(

Fri, 14 May 2004 14:25:25 GMT

Title says it all...I flat out do not want to be there.I need to win the fuckin super seven lotto or something so I can just sit in my house with my money and never go out unless it's to do something fun...

...that would be nice...

Meh, I could always somehow convince Dany to ask me to marry him. I dont think the women in his family ever work...they're all taken care of...i think anyways.

But then again, maybe I wouldnt like being a kept bitch...maybe it would be annoying, who knows?

Ah well....I know I hate this fucking job and I cannot physically take it much longer...I'm going to have a fucking pshycotic break one of these days and just flip out and start smashing everything in the store....

...it's a shitty store anyways, it deserves to be smashed.

I have the hugest craving for prawn salad again....what does that mean?? I'm usually not that much of a seafood person but for the last few days its almost been an unbearable craving where it's been all I think about...curious.

...I'm starting to wonder if I am in fact pregnant....

....(long and contemplative pause).....

Just because I havent been laid in two weeks....doesnt mean that I can't be pregant so...again...who knows?

...That would be wierd...wierd and possibly very bad...

....perhaps I should get one of those home tests...maybe that will calm my nerves....

Cheers,

Is

Got a problem??? Want to talk about it??? Well guess what...no one has time...here's a pill instead!

Thu, 13 May 2004 20:07:16 GMT

Why is it that doctors like to dope up their patients as much as fucking possible?

That's whats wrong with the world today...everyone thinks that everything can just be solved by taking a little pill....

...Take pill.......wait half hour....whoosh!!!! All your problems are gone, fantastic!!!!

I don't fucking think so....life doesnt work that way.

Now, mind you, I did go to the doc's to see if he could give me something to put me to sleep (I got prescribed that Ambien or Ambian...or however the fuck you spell it...shit) but I just don't like how damn eager he was to whip out that perscription pad.

...Oh my god! Here comes Isabelle...quick, give her some more meds and get her out of our hair!!! *scribble scribble* There you go dear...one more pill to take at bed time...

...along with your life draining, mind numbing, fat inducing other meds...

...give me a fucking break...

So including this new med...I'm now on 4 meds to keep me from going on a manic rampage and killing everyone in sight and then myself; lithium orotate, depakote, lexapro and now this sleeping shit....

....I hate being over medicated....but nobody else cares.

I hate my life...I'd be better off dead...maybe I'll never take my meds again.

Cheers,

Is

Wed, 12 May 2004 17:00:09 GMT

Got a million and one things to do today....

....and yet I cant seem to pry myself out of this ol' chair...

"why do today what you can put off till tomorrow?"....

...That seems to be my motto today...it really can't be, but it is.

So, after the grand total of one good night's sleep...insomnia strikes again. I was going to take a sleeping pill last night again but my stomach was kind of wierd and I always feel dodgey to begin with once I wake up from a drug induced sleep...mix together with wierd stomach feeling and it ends badly.

Meh, I'm not into this right now....

...I guess now that I've planned on being a procrastinator I really don't feel like being one...go figure.

I'm very flighty today....it's wierd

Might write more later...as for now though, it's time for me to strap on my running shoes and go for an extra long run cause I missed my workout yesterday.

oooh! One last thing before I go...checkout this website if you need a laugh...it could be just me but I find it hysterical half the time...

www.illwillpress.com

Cheers,

Is

Wed, 12 May 2004 01:55:54 GMT

Yay for x-posting...I rarely do it but yay all the same!

I absolutley LOVE this quote...it's from a book called "Echo" by Francesca Lia Block...I haven't read the book but I found the quote in another community I'm in on Blurty and I'm seriously chomping at the bit to get this book.

"I lay on the bed in the dark, touching the bone basket of my ribs, the bone bird of my hips. Although I was wrapped in blankets I felt cold. THe room I shared with Thorn was really a sunporch. All summer we had looked out at the fruit-heavy plum tree and the honeysuckle vines and felt the sun through the glass panes. But now it was autumn, and raining. The trees in the yard reminded me of Mister Bones. My stomach made noises like a cat as I curled up under the blankets. I did not shut my eyes. I did not want to see what was there in my head - the naked body, all bones and whiteness, crouched in a marble box. I could not escape the voice that easily. I will not eat cakes or cookies or food. I will be thin, thin, pure. I will be pure and empty. Weight dropping off. Ninety-nine...ninety-five...ninety-two...ninety. Just one more to eighty-nine. Where does it go? Where in the universe does it go? That morning I had walked all the way to campus, across campus, up into the hills of the Northside to the hospital, knowing it would burn off the apple I had eaten when I woke up. On the way I passed a group of homeless men and women spare-changing near People's Park. Among them was a beautiful young blond girl in tight jeans. She whirled around and her face was not a girl's at all - a toothless crone's collapsing into itself. The psychiatrist asked, "Why are you starving yourself?" and I had known all the right answers. Escaping the responsibilities of growing up; having control over something at least; being beautiful, perfect like my mother, making my father love me. I smiled secretly to myself that I could know all this and still skip dinner, still jog five miles in the rain. I did not tell the psychiatrist about Thorn."

Flat out drool worthy quote...really really inspiring to me

Cheers,

Is

Tue, 11 May 2004 16:03:58 GMT

*biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig yawns and stretches*

I actually don't feel half bad today. Took a sleeping pill at about 9:30pm last night and slept right through *lol* I know I'm a pansy for taking it so early at night but what the hell...I was sick and sleep is good for you when your sick.....

....as if I've ever been one to care about what's good for you or not....

But yeah, I woke up and didn't feel half bad so we'll just see how I feel through out the day. Maybe I'll just still use the excuse of being sick to just flop on the couch for a few hours...havent done that in a while and it seems like a welcome change.

Talked to Ria last night and she wants to rent movies or something...of course she wants to watch them over here cause she cant stand living with the roomies any more and she'll take any excuse to get out of that apartment....

....by the way, remind me to thank Dany profusely for footing half my rent so that I dont have to have room mates *lol*....

so yeah...that could be fun I guess...don't really have any money to rent movies with at the moment cause I've had a whole bunch of unexpected expenses but I suppose 20 bucks on DVD's couldnt really hurt my bank account all that much.

I was looking back over the past three entries or so and it's alarming how un bipolar I sound lately.

I'm not on my meds....and I dont sound like I'm not on my meds....sooooooooo I don't know what's goin on but it gives me a bad feeling....my brain's got something in store for me, I can tell.

....creepy evil brain....leave Isabelle alone!!!

Cheers,

Is

Mon, 10 May 2004 14:45:45 GMT

Isabelle's throat hurts like a hot damn and she doenst want to go to work today :( Unfortunately having a tiny itty bitty paycheck this week would be eveb less appealing so she has to at least make an effort to last the day.

Didn't get much sleep at all last night cause my sinuses were so packed I couldnt breath when I was lying down. So basically I was awake from 2:30am to about 6 am sitting propped up in my bed watching absolutley nothing on t.v. and snortting the dristan like there's was no tomorrow. Hopefully this will all clear up soon and not turn into another one of my sinus infections because those really aren't fun at all.

Ugh....I'm so tired...so so so tired I could die! Wouldn't that be sweet if I just did...no more inconmvieniance of living...save alot of people alot of trouble....

.....But you know me, I never was one to take other people's feelings into play all that much.

Down to 132 this morning...was hoping for 131.5 but I guess I'll just have to see what I am tonight when I weigh myself...when I'm sick I can't eat very much anyways cause it makes me feel pukey and I get stomach cramps when I lie down...so this could actually be quite helpful for my fast.

I gotta jump in the shower and then straighten my hair before work so I'd better wrap this up...might write more later....don't count on it though.

Cheers,

Isabelle

Mon, 10 May 2004 00:22:09 GMT

Words cannot possibly express how tired/sore/sick feeling I am

....just for future reference, if anyone has any desire me at any time...this would be the way to do it...just find some way to make me feel the way I feel right now and that would be the worst torture ever...I can't stand feeling like this....I hate the flu.

Found out that my hours got fucking cut this week (I only work part time keep in mind...for no particular reason too :P I could work full time if I wanted but I guess I got a little whiney once when I was talking to Dany and he told me that if I wanted to work part time that he would help me foot my rent so go figure) so I only have 9 hours this week...from 20 hours to 9 hours....that is such bullshit and I swear to god, as soon as I get another job I will walk straight up to Jake and throw my name tag in his face and tell him what I think of his fucking shithole store....I'm so pissed that my hours got cut AGAIN when people that slack off all day never get their hours cut...it doesnt make sense I tell you

....there is no justice in this world....

I'm so hurting for money right now...it sucks.

Ahh well, I now have 5 days off this coming week so it'll give me a chance to get a lot of shit done...I'm redecorating/paining this old place and I've been raring to go at it, but I've never really had the time to spare over the past few weeks so I'm kind of glad I'll have a chance to get going on it.

Doing well on the fast...dropped a pound and a half...(I was up tp 134 on saturday and today I'm 132.5 so that's cool) now I just need the will power to keep at it until Friday :)

Cheers,

Is

Sat, 08 May 2004 03:43:26 GMT

I want to just barricade myself in my house for like a fucking month and not have to face anyone and not have to go anywhere and not have to explain why I don't eat to any one.

I've moved past being depressed that I made a fucking pig out of myself and now I'm just annoyed that Dany even thought it was remotely acceptable to lecture me over the phone....I don't even know what to say about it, I'm just reall pissed off about the whole thing.

Anyways, I passed out at work today and everyone freaked the fuck right out. Jake came down (cause he's the manager and he does any first aid that's needed) and checked me out and I just told him I'd be fine as soon as I ate something...he sent Rachel for subway for me and shit and I had a 6 inch turkey sub on white bread with mayo!! I should have never eaten that...not to mention the fucking regular pepsi and the chocolate chip cookie

....no wonder I'm such a fat ass....

I got sent home anyways to rest or whatever....just pigged out there too and spent the next hour hunched over the toilet bowl trying to purge everything but only managing to get the last little bit I ate out of my system....

....my throat is stinging from having my fingers jammed down it....can't barely swallow and I think I may have vommited up a piece of my esopagus (sp?) or something.....nasty nasty stuff but it serves me right.

And now ladies and gentlemen...for the self degrading, mentally scarring quote of the day...drum roll if you please.....

If life were a classroom.....And I had to stay after school to write lines....This is what I would be writing

.........................................I am a weak ass fat bitch........................................

Cheers,

Is

Thu, 06 May 2004 15:04:03 GMT

Gahhhhhh....I update too much *lol* soon it's going to look like I have aboslutley nothing else to do with my time other than stare at a screen allday...which couldn't be further from the truth.

Ahh well, its early morning and there's nothing else to do whilst getting my daily caffiene fix.

Dany's schedual actually coincides with mine today (I swear this is like the second time in 4 months that we've actually had a full day off at the same time...its wierd) so we had plans to do something...don't actually know what yet but something (hopefully that doesn't involve him glaring at me for not eating my food at any stupid outdoor cafe's...I'm not in the mood for that today.)

My legs hurt like a mother fucker...I'm told this is because I do not have enough potassium in my system. I'm not sure if that's accurate or not but Kayse (on of my off line ana buddies) told me it is so....seriously, they hurt like a mother fucker! I guess I'll have a banana today then, and not much else...some more black coffee here....some green tea there....fill up on clear liquids :) that always gets the trick done for me.

It's funny though, because I read all these people's journlas that are new to ana and they talk about the hunger pains and how the pains match the pains in their head and their heart
.............I don't get hunger pains anymore and I feel cheated...............

I guess it's cause I'm so used to having nothing in my stomach for so long I don't really feel the biting pain of need for food. I miss that feeling....I want it back....almost badly enoguh to go on a huge binge, eat everything in sight for weeks and then starve it all off again. People who aren't with ana don't seem to realize how cathardic the hunger pains are...they really don't. That's okay though, there are a lot of other things that are very cathardic that I wouldn't understand so I guess its one of those "to each, his own" type of things.

Anyways...no food for me today, except maybe a banana to help my ailing legs.

That's all for now, think I might take in a pilates class.

Cheers,

Is